If you’re a woman contemplating an open marriage, you’re likely dealing with a lot of dissatisfaction within your current relationship… You might even already have someone else in mind.
Maybe the idea of an open marriage seems like a chance for freedom—an easy solution that addresses your unhappiness, lets you find what you need elsewhere, while still preserving your family unit.
As with most things, though, it’s not as simple a solution as it seems. Underneath the superficial allure of an open marriage is usually an ocean of motivations, unmet expectations, and consequences that deserve careful and honest consideration before making any decisions or taking next steps.
The Illusion of a Simple Solution
As the seed of this idea grows, an open marriage begins to seem like a clear solution to years of deep dissatisfaction. It promises fulfillment, fun, and excitement without the devastation of a divorce—you can explore the possibility of other partners without breaking up your family.
“And,” you might rationalize, “it’s not like my husband will even care. He’ll probably be relieved!” You think you’ve found a solution that will make both of you happy—maybe you think he’d jump at the chance to be with another woman.
Maybe you feel like he’s insecure in your current situation and would welcome the change. You’ve been feeling like you’re mothering him—like he’s constantly seeking your approval or needing you to soothe his wounded ego. An open marriage could take the pressure off both of you, right?
Yet many women are genuinely taken aback to find that their partners, whom they wrongly believed to be indifferent, do care—they aren’t relieved at all. In fact, husbands are often shocked, confused, and deeply hurt by the suggestion of an open marriage. For them, it seems to come out of left field. These husbands may remember how jealous or threatened their wives used to be when the relationship was new; they can’t make sense of how things have changed so dramatically.
Suddenly, the idea of an open marriage, which seemed like a softer alternative to a divorce, instead becomes harsh. The difference between the fantasy and what the reality is likely to be becomes clearer.
Digging Down to Our Deepest Motivations
The road we’ve traveled on our way to considering an open marriage is typically paved with a complicated mix of emotions and experiences, some more obvious than others. At its root, the decision to consider an open marriage can stem from avoidance—the desire to sidestep the uncomfortable job of confronting deep issues inside our relationship. Maybe we don’t want to hurt our husband, for example, by telling him we’re no longer attracted to him.
Then there’s the fear of loss, which can loom large. Maybe we’ve spent many years with our partner, have children with them, or are intricately financially tied to them. Maybe we’re afraid of what our family and friends will say if we wind up divorced. So are we seeking an open marriage to avoid confronting this pain or fear?
Rationalizations are common—”We can have the best of both worlds,” or “This will make us happier,” for example. But in the end, they’re band-aids, temporary fixes that don’t actually address the unhappiness we feel.
That unhappiness is far more likely to be what’s eroding the relationship’s foundation—and not the much simpler desire for casual encounters. And in this case, an open marriage is not going to help us conquer the messier truths within ourselves.
Asking for an Open Marriage
Let’s assume, for a moment, that you’ve decided to go ahead and ask your husband for an open marriage. What happens next? Can an open marriage work?
Broadly, this scenario will play out in one of a few different ways:
- Your partner is thrilled! As you suspected, he’s disinterested, and you find he’s even excited to pursue different people.
- Your partner is caught off-guard, but he’s not angry. He agrees to allow you to explore other options. He’s unsure what his own behavior will be.
- Your husband is shocked and hurt. He had no idea you were this unhappy, and he’s angry and resentful that you haven’t tried harder to fix it before coming to him with what he sees as a drastic and offensive suggestion. It isn’t adding up in his mind, since it’s never been something you seemed to value or feel comfortable with before.
The first and second options aren’t likely. Even on the off chance one of them comes to fruition, your feelings about your partner’s reaction might be stronger than you expect. How would you truly feel if your husband seems relieved or even excited to pursue another woman? What would that mean to you? You might not feel as nonchalant as you think you would.
On the other hand, what would it mean to you if you felt nothing at all, or even relieved by this response? How would this change your viewpoint on your marriage? On him? On yourself?
In reality, option three is the most common and probable of all possible outcomes. Confusion, hurt, and anger are typical responses, and they reveal the depth of emotional investment that still exists in the marriage for one (or both) partners. Even the suggestion of an open marriage can introduce complexities and challenges that bring more stress than you were feeling before—and that probably wasn’t the goal, right?
Opening a marriage isn’t just about navigating new relationships—it’s very much about facing and handling the emotional impact on the one you already have. While opinions differ on open marriages in general, one thing is certain: successful ones are exceedingly rare, and they are never born of attempts to solve dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
Can An Open Marriage Work?
So where does this leave us? You’ve found yourself considering an open marriage—maybe you’d still like to broach the topic, or perhaps you’ve decided it seems too risky.
Either way, it’s worth engaging in some deep reflection. Ask yourself the following:
- How might my partner really feel about this change?
- What impact will my proposal have on his view of me–on my view of myself, on our marriage?
- Will I really be able to handle being sexual with more than one person? Or my husband being intimate with someone else?
- Do I like the idea of an open marriage more than I would like the reality of it? If so, what do I think it will solve?
And, perhaps most importantly:
- Can my motivations and conclusions be trusted? Is this really what I want, or is it a facade for a deeper issue that is too uncomfortable to look at?
The majority of women tend to be uncomfortable with the idea of a non-monogamous relationship. It’s worth diving deep to understand if your position has truly changed—or if you’re simply avoiding admitting something more uncomfortable about the marriage you’re in.
Honesty, Reality—and a Skilled Professional, Too
Facing the realities of a request for an open marriage requires courage and a dogged commitment to uncovering our true motivations. If you’re finding yourself considering this option, it’s a clear sign to dig deeper.
A skilled therapist can help you confront your fears and suss out your true desires. They can help you face what you’ve been avoiding and explore how your next steps might lead to the healing you need or, ultimately, make things a lot messier and more complicated.
You don’t need to figure it out on your own—in fact, you shouldn’t. There are many more questions to ask yourself, and an endless array of paths to take. Reach out for guidance today.
*While this blog discusses the possible motivations behind opening a heterosexual relationship, many of the same principles and dynamics are present within same-sex relationships as well.
**If your partner frequently accuses you of cheating for no reason, or their jealousy/insecurity has worsened into controlling, isolating, and/or abusive behavior, that is a different issue. Learn about emotional abuse here. Traditional couples therapy is not recommended for people in abusive relationships; you may want to speak with an individual therapist who specializes in intimate partner violence (IPV) to get support and figure out what to do next.