Finding a couples therapist can be a big decision for your relationship—choosing the right couples therapist can be a pivotal one.
You want to find someone who can successfully navigate the messiest parts of your unique relationship dynamics. You want to choose a couples therapist who does more than just listen; you want someone who actively engages, guiding you through all of the complexities that brought you to therapy in the first place—and toward the resolution you’re looking for.
This person will play an essential role in your relationship. Heck, they’re basically the third person in your relationship… For better or worse.
But in a veritable sea of professionals with similar on-paper qualifications, how do you find the couples therapist that’s right for you? How do you figure out if a therapist’s approach is the right one for both you and your partner?
Someone who doesn’t just understand your problems, but knows how to move your relationship forward?
What does it mean for couples therapy to actually work?
Your Therapist’s Role
In couples therapy, a therapist’s role is more than simply a facilitator—they are an integral part of the process, helping you explore the dynamics of your relationship and generate lasting solutions.
The right therapist isn’t there to be a referee for your discussions or to simply suggest date nights. They’re going to dive into the why that underlies the destructive patterns you and your partner can’t seem to resolve, no matter how hard you’ve tried. (And you’ve tried everything and then some, right?)
Keep in mind that the ultimate goal isn’t to revive what’s already damaged in your relationship—good riddance to those painful dynamics! Well-trained therapists understand that when faulty, outdated thinking (on notions of love, conflict, power, sex, obligation, etc.) is corrected in each spouse, then healthier, new ways of relating to each other result.
As each spouse’s understanding of themselves and their partner grows, fresh interactions follow. A new “Us” emerges.
The creation of a careful, effective therapy experience requires a careful, effective therapist… A therapist who’s ready, willing, and able to manage the three-headed hydra that makes up your struggling marriage—your perspective, your partner’s, and the “we” comprised of both of you.
So how can we tell if a therapist is effective?
How Do You Know If Couples Therapy Is Working?
Couples therapy is often challenging and uncomfortable; so how can you tell the difference between therapists that are effective and those that aren’t?
Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as reading reviews or hearing about a therapist’s good reputation through the grapevine. Even if a friend or loved one worked with a therapist and had great results, they might still not be the right fit for you.
Here are some important indicators that can help you assess whether your time in couples therapy is working:
Is your therapist…
Balanced?
Are both partners held accountable for problems equally, or is there more of a “good guy/bad guy” atmosphere? Are old injuries being dealt with to the point of resolution, or are you simply rehashing, scorekeeping, and mudslinging?
When partners’ ineffective behaviors are noted and corrected, is there a sense of relief or of shame? Feeling judged, shamed, or misunderstood can cause more damage to a fragile marriage–so these elements should indicate an obstacle to your goals.
Strong and safe?
What kind of environment does your therapist create? Do you trust them to readily navigate and contain intense, painful discussions–or do you censor yourselves because you fear tensions and emotions getting out of control?
Do conflicts in session lead to insight and resolution, or do you feel tense and unresolved when you leave? Do negative emotions leave sessions with you and your partner, or do you walk out feeling a general sense of relief?
Smart and intuitive?
How well does your therapist “read the room”? Are they able to detect and explore unspoken emotions and sentiments? Can they accurately and appropriately respond to the energy and meaning underlying what’s actually said out loud, or do you feel like you need to spell everything out for them, in every discussion?
Are they responsive to what each partner needs at any given moment, shifting from softness to firmness as the situation warrants?
A great therapist responds to what is in the room; they can shift energy according to what’s happening in the moment.
Modeling healthy behaviors?
Your therapist should demonstrate the skills each of you want and need, but haven’t developed yet. Does your therapist face important topics head on, or do they seem intimidated by them?
They should be sturdy, consistent, and unflappable, able to accept responsibility even when they make mistakes. After all, if they can’t effectively confront uncomfortable issues, how can they show you and your spouse how to do so?
Addressing all the layers?
Does your therapist work on many levels simultaneously, or do they only seem capable of focusing on one at a time? In other words, are they singularly focused on the past, the present, or on one partner’s needs versus the other’s?
Do they work on identifying root causes, as well as spotlighting present-day solutions? Couples are a multilayered, complex unit, and their individual struggles are tangled up together. Therapists that know how to carefully navigate all of these dynamics and operate successfully in each domain will help couples make fundamental, lasting changes.
Stimulating change and forward movement?
While it’s unreasonable to expect each session to lead to a major “a-ha” moment or a hot sex romp afterward, successful therapy results in some sense of loosening… Painful patterns, rigid beliefs, or knuckle-to-the-concrete viewpoints should see some gentling over time.
After all, sessions that produce even the tiniest shifts in understanding can lead to profound feelings of relief or warmth between you and your partner–making those post-session sex romps more possible!
Working toward an end goal?
How will you know if therapy is successful? How will you know when you don’t need it anymore? Central to all couples therapy goals is the ability to integrate changes into your real life in a lasting way, without need for outside help any longer. If you or your spouse can’t picture the end goal clearly, then how do you know what you’re working toward?
If your therapist hasn’t helped you identify a clear vision of your personal finish line, then get comfortable–you may never leave that couch! Effective therapists help couples clarify and articulate both short- and long-term relevant goals at the start of therapy, and should have a “do as little as needed, not as much as possible” approach.
Experienced and qualified?
Not all well-intentioned therapists are truly capable of handling that three-headed hydra… Is yours? Do they have particular expertise in couples therapy? Can they work with your relationship as a whole, instead of only focusing on the surface issues? Can they assess and respond responsibly and respectfully to each of you as individuals, including your unique psychologies, any underlying mental illness, or substance use challenges?
Your therapist should be appropriately managing both the “I’s” and “We’s” of your relationship.
Realistic about their own professional limits?
Can they recognize when to refer a couple to another provider if the level of care is outside of their scope of practice? Do they respond to the urgency of a couple’s distress, such as when one spouse is leaning out of the marriage and considering divorce?
Studies show that traditional couples therapy is not likely to work with this type of couple, and failure to refer to them to a more appropriate level of care can lead to an unnecessary divorce.
Finally…
Is your therapist clear on their philosophy, therapy stance, and worldview?
Do you have a clear sense of what your therapist believes about human relationships and therapy itself? Even if not expressly stated, their beliefs should be clear throughout your work together–even in the small talk before and after sessions!
Do they seem to favor women over men (or vice versa) in general? Do they seem to view marital challenges as a “failure,” or are they guiding you through the rough patches lots of people experience?
Do they accept their own limitations, or do they make excuses or blame clients for “not doing the work”? Remember that you, as a client, don’t have to do anything but show up as you are! If therapy isn’t moving you forward, it’s the responsibility of the therapist to recognize and try to rectify that.
Most couples struggle with issues resulting from the basic truth that love is hard–and often heartbreaking! Your therapist should be making ample room for this humanity factor, helping you and your partner to understand what love and therapy both can and cannot do. There must be an ability to facilitate connections on both the intellectual and emotional sides of your relationship; in other words, sometimes, there’s just no resolution to painful things, and the only real answer is to sit with one another in our pain until it ebbs.
Our couples therapists should never have their own agenda. While separation or divorce is certainly an option that your therapist can help you carefully explore, the suggestion should never come directly from them.
Therapists don’t get a vote in what partners decide to do with their marriage–but they should be the last person in the room to give up hope.
Finding a Couples Therapist that Works for Your and Your Partner
Ultimately, you and your partner are the judge and jury of whether your therapist is effective. Just remember: restoring your relationship to a state of health and resilience is far too important for you to waste your time, money, and hope. The wrong therapist can further feelings of despair and burnout–you need nothing less than the best.