Have you and/or your partner been going through a tough time? We all need support from friends and family during stressful times, so it’s natural to want to confide in your nearest and dearest about something as life-changing as a potential divorce. But in this situation, all friends are not created equal. As a longtime couples therapist, I’ve seen people in your shoes make a lot of mistakes when it comes to talking with others about their marital issues.
One mistake is to not tell anyone, often out of shame or to avoid recognizing the threat to your marriage is real. This can result in isolation and stewing in negativity and pain. You deserve support.
A second common mistake is to tell the whole world. You’ve probably seen it yourself: one spouse tells everyone at work, church, and the book club about their relationship problems. The other spouse is furious for being made out to be the “bad guy” in the marriage crisis. People start taking sides, and any hope that might have remained for the marriage begins to fade, quickly.
Another issue with this “shouting it from the rooftops” approach is that, fair or not, it doesn’t always reflect well on you. Your best friends have seen you at your best and worst; they have more context. But the neighbors, that couple from your kids’ playgroup that you just had over for dinner, your new friend from the gym… these acquaintances don’t have that same context, and venting to them risks leaving them uncomfortable and maybe even with a negative impression of you. Not what we’re going for!
A third mistake is talking to the wrong people. At the top of this list is your children – whether they’re still young or left the nest years ago. It puts them in the middle, makes them feel like they have to choose sides, and leaves little room for supporting their own feelings about their parents’ marriage troubles. Before talking with your children, work to regulate your own emotions first and ensure that the decision to divorce is truly final before broaching the topic. Make a plan with your spouse for how, when, and where you will share the news with your children (a family therapist can help). I promise, your kids will thank you later.
And whatever you do, do not talk to your spouse’s relatives and friends — they may see that as a betrayal and it will inevitably lead to more drama for everyone involved. You can’t guarantee they won’t tell your spouse what you shared – or anyone else in the family, for that matter!
So who should you talk to?
It’s tempting, especially when you’re angry, to call up that friend who’s never liked your spouse for a cathartic spouse-bashing session. Try to resist the urge.
Ideally, you should confide in just one or two trusted friends or family members about your marital struggles. But how do you know who to trust?
Here’s why that question can be surprisingly hard to answer. When you’re considering ending a relationship that you once truly believed would be a lifetime commitment, it isn’t just that you no longer trust your spouse. It isn’t just that you aren’t sure which friends or family members to confide in.
Often, the real issue is that, with everything in your life turning upside down, you no longer trust yourself.
If you believe that you were so wrong in your choice of spouse, it can be hard to trust your instincts and decision-making skills about… well, basically everything else!
That’s why we often turn to other people when we’re going through situations like this: we feel as though we’ve lost our internal compass, and that can be scary and disorienting. It’s tempting to ask others to point us in the right direction.
But while we all need to vent to other people about our problems from time to time, relying on your friends or family to help you make a decision as life-changing as whether or not to end your marriage is not venting. It’s surrendering to the fear and discomfort that comes from losing our way.
So, before you decide who to talk to about your marriage issues, think about this:
Are you simply looking for emotional support, or – if you sit with your feelings and think about it – are you really looking for direction?
If it’s the latter, before you pick up the phone to call your BFF, I encourage you to reach out to an individual therapist, whose job is to provide neutral, objective support, and who is skilled at helping people learn to trust themselves again so they can make decisions with confidence. You can find therapists in your area on Psychology Today, by searching on your insurance company’s website, or by asking a trusted friend for recommendations. If you and your spouse have seen a marriage counselor, you can also ask that person for a referral to a therapist.
If you still feel you need to talk with a friend or family member to get support during this difficult time, that’s completely natural. Just be careful in who you choose.
Ideally, you’ll confide about your marriage in someone who:
- Can listen and empathize without taking a side against (or bad-mouthing) your spouse
- Is generally positive about marriage and is able to hold out hope for your marriage
- Has demonstrated compassion for both you and your spouse… maybe even someone who has shown in the past that they’re not afraid to challenge or disagree with you!
- Has a track record of keeping things private – not someone known for being a gossip.
If you don’t have anyone in your life who fits these criteria, that’s another sign that you might want to reach out to an individual therapist for support.
Helpful vs. Harmful Conversations
Venting often feels great. Being seen and heard – especially if you aren’t feeling that way in your marriage right now – can be really powerful and cathartic. But there’s a fine line between helpful and harmful conversations when it comes to your marriage. Have you ever had one of those venting sessions where you ended the conversation and realized you actually felt worse than when you started? That’s what we’re trying to avoid here.
Helpful conversations about your marriage are ones that stay focused on:
- Expressing YOUR concerns and feelings about the situation
- Talking about how your spouse’s choices or behavior are impacting you
- Discussing potential options/choices about what to do next
On the other hand, unhelpful conversations might include:
- Bashing your partner
- Rehashing every single time your spouse has messed up since the beginning of your relationship
- Sharing private details about your partner that may violate their privacy (e.g., their deepest or most embarrassing secrets or fears; sensitive info about their family history)
Before you share details about your marriage or spouse, ask yourself: How loving a partner am I being right now? Is there a legit reason to share this bit of information or do I just want to hurt my spouse because I’m hurting?
It’s also important – particularly if this is a friend and not a professional therapist in whom you’re confiding – to consider the impact of your words, tone, and approach on the listener. It can be stressful to listen to a long, angry, negative, swear-filled diatribe, especially if it’s a regular occurrence throughout the often long journey of deciding what to do about your marriage.
If you know you might have a lot to say, you may want to ask your friend if they have the time and space for such a conversation right now. It might also be nice to let them know what kind of support you’re seeking (and what you’re not interested in). Do you just need someone to listen and be supportive? Do you want advice? Would you like their help brainstorming solutions? Would it be helpful to hear about their similar experience? These courtesies can go a long way towards preserving friendships, something that’s especially important if you’re considering ending your marriage.
Being thoughtful about what, how, and to whom you talk about private details of your marriage won’t just help you get the support you need – it’s also critical in order for you to stay in alignment with your own values. That way, no matter what happens with your marriage, you can take pride in knowing you stayed true to your best self… even when it was really tempting not to.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have go through this crisis alone – just choose your confidants wisely. And before you do, be honest with yourself about whether you’re really looking for support – or looking for someone to tell you what to do.